Apparent selflessness and other-regarding gestures turn into the most brutal selfishness one can possibly imagine. Everything is great. Their lies serve a dual function. Psychopaths are always tyrants: be it of their small families or of an entire nation. Author: Holocaust Memories . If you are confident and outgoing, he views you as flirtatious and untrustworthy. Isolate you further from those who care about you. For you, this process is excruciatingly personal. But this feeling of euphoria doesnt last long because its empty to the core. They are not your life partners, your spouses, your lovers or your friends. And professed its undying love for me. The answer usually is: you did nothing wrong. However, what inevitably follows in any intimate relationship with a psychopath is neither pleasant nor flattering. The other women involved may have been decent human beings, the scum of the Earth or anything in between. He will do it again and again to everyone he seduces. In other cases, however, the flattery was genuine: which, of course, also means genuinely shallow. Temporarily, you represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness. to protect the self from the re-experiencing of traumatic memories and the associated emotions that the psyche is currently incapable of adequately processing. Of course, in order to do so, psychopaths resort to outrageous lies since, in reality, theyre just the opposite. I can only guess. If you enjoyed this video, please subscribe to my channel! From beginning to end, all this phony relationship can offer you is a toxic combination of fake love and real abuse. They initially depict your relationship as privileged and better than the ordinary love bonds normal people form. Those are the people they conspire against, criticize, engage in smear campaigns to ruin their reputations, stalk, and sometimes physically threaten or attack. Is it because youre not beautiful enough? We spent a long holiday weekend together that seemed to have genuinely nice moments and then the next was our wedding shower. So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel". Nobody else really wanted you. If you are faithful, he sees your fidelity as a weakness, a sign you werent desirable enough to cheat. If they tell you that their previous girlfriends mistreated them, cheated on them, got bored with them, abandoned them, listen carefully, since thats probably what they did to those women. Hes gotten everything he wanted out of you. In terms of whether or not people get left amicably, I would definitely say it varies from relationship to relationship and maybe even more so from pwBPD to pwBPD. As everyone who has been involved with a psychopath knows, building a romantic relationship with such a pathological person is like building a house on a foundation of quicksand. She used the excuse "out of sight, out of mind" after he moved out. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. But when their goal is actually youseducing you or even marrying youthen their pursuit feels like an idealization. I think, however, that this explanation is somewhat reductive. Basically all ones and . Psychopaths usually retain the appearance of calm, even in the face of great duress. This becomes most obvious in those cases when psychopaths kill their ex-partners and dispose of their bodies as if they were a pile of garbage. My ex actually laughed at me and told me just to move on, don't be a baby about it. Because you want to hold on to the fantasy of the ideal relationship he cultivated, you go into denial. The problem for me was that on the run up to my ex moving to London she had said that it was a new start for us, and she told me she loved me 5 days before the move, and then on THE DAY she moved she discarded me and I was hated, and threatened with a restraining order if I ever contacted her again. psychogenic memory loss (amnesia), depersonalization, experiencing yourself as a guest or a stranger (derealization), loosing sense of time and place, difficulty of distinguishing images of reality. In fact, right at the point when you feel that you should be rewarded for your sacrifice of your values, needs, desires and human bondsall for himthe psychopath discards you. Tags: bad men, Bitlit, Claudia Moscovici, Dangerous Liaisons, dangerous men, dangerous relationships, dating bad men, dating dangerous men, devalue and discard, http://www.neatorama.com/bitlit/category/the-seducer/, http://www.youtube.com/user/ClaudiaMoscovici, idealize, idealize devalue and discard, Neatorama's Bitlit, personality disorders, psychology, psychopath, psychopathic seduction, psychopaths, psychopathy awareness, psychopathyawareness, relationships with psychopaths, sociopath, the pattern of psychopathic relationships, the psychopath's relationship cycle, The Psychopath's Relationship Cycle: Idealize, the psychopathic bond, The Seducer, The Seducer: A Novel, The Seducer: A Novel about Psychopathic Seduction, toxic relationships . You accept his implausible excuses. Tenderness diminishes and is eventually displaced by a perversion that hints at an underlying, and menacing, sadism. It all depends on what the psychopath wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him. Today Ill describe the entire process of psychopathic seduction, from its seemingly ideal beginning to its invariably bitter end. As a fellow pwNPD, I understand what you are going through. Unfortunately there will be so, [swipe] How do they make me feel? I should have been more careful, but love and wisdom don't often go together. It all depends on what the psychopath wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him. If youre recovering from a recent divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. I have been a lifelong master of the Idealize/Devalue/Discard, and after becoming self-aware about three years ago, I have been working hard to stop the cycle with various romantic interests. Thats when you realize that the devaluation phase has set in. Either it was a defence mechanism to completely block me out after the discard, or, she had emotionally detached months before. What matters to you most is how your own partner behaves. The cycle tends to be idealize, devalue, and discard. Reddit, Inc. 2023. Being a consummate narcissist, he loves no one but himself and cares about nothing but his selfish desires. Login with username, password and session length, Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts, Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD. Also, during this period, the psychopaths themselves are on their best behavior. Dangerous Liaisons: How to Identify and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction, April 11, 2012 Also, keep in mind that psychopaths twist the truth to fit their momentary goals and to play mind games. Well you get it. by HowPredictable Wed Oct 22, 2014 7:24 pm, by HowPredictable Wed Oct 22, 2014 10:22 pm, by crystal_richardson_ Thu Oct 23, 2014 6:45 am, by WendyTorrance Thu Oct 23, 2014 11:31 am, Return to Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum, Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests. For more information, please see our Does anyone ever get left amicably by a borderline? What seemed like something sudden to me, may not have been the same with her. Occasionally, he throws you a bonetakes you out, plans a romantic evening, says kind and loving thingsto lead you to dismiss your healthy intuitions that youre being mistreated. Analogously, for them, other human beings represent objects of diversion and control. Confessions of an Incorrigible Sex Addict, Dangerous Mind Games: How Psychopaths Manipulate and Deceive, What is a Psychopath? Its as if the psychopath intuitively knows when to be charming again (in order not to lose you) and when to push your boundaries, further and lower. Last thing I needed was a hubby coming back while I'm ----. Was it malicious? It was a sign that the psychopaths pursuit of you was extremely exciting and rewarding to him. Think about it. For a psychopath, its not enough to end a dying relationship. In other words, its not necessarily calculated at every moment in the relationship. ( No, not the celebrated and brilliant screenwriter.) by WendyTorrance Thu Oct 23, 2014 12:51 pm, by salted lipstick Sat Oct 25, 2014 2:03 pm, by WendyTorrance Sat Oct 25, 2014 3:05 pm, Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum, Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 16 guests. Breaking the Idealize Devalue Discard cycle, Re: Breaking the Idealize Devalue Discard cycle. Fortunately, this only happens rarely: and when it does, we tend to hear about it on the news. The honeymoon phase of the relationship usually lasts until the psychopath intuitively senses that hes got you on the hook or until hes gotten bored by the relationship and moved on to other targets. Each time Drew Peterson was luring a new mistress, he was at the same time treating his current wife as a poison container, upon which to heap blame, insults, threats, slander, and abuse. The Case of Joran van der Sloot, Erased But Not Forgotten: Psychopaths and Emotional Memory, The Psychopath's Relationship Cycle: Idealize, Devalue and Discard, Between Envy and Contempt: The Psychopath's Emotional Pendulum, A Fascination with Evil: Addiction to a Psychopath, A Painful Incredulity: Psychopathy and Cognitive Dissonance, A Quest for Power: The Cases of Hitler and Stalin, answers to common questions about psychopathy, Celebrity Dialogue Interview Claudia Moscovici, Charismatic Psychopaths: Mark Hacking and Neil Entwistle, Chordelos de Laclos Les Liaisons Dangereuses, Claudia Moscovici interview in Celebrity Dialogue, Dark Souls: Healing and Recovering from Toxic Relationships, Erased but not Forgotten: Psychopaths and Emotional Memory, Evil Jokers: The Dark Knight and Other Psychopaths, Fifty Shades of Sadism: Psychopaths as Lovers, Finding Happiness Within After the Psychopath by Kelli Hernandez, finding out about psychopaths before being burned, Harassment via the Internet: The Cyberpath and Cyberstalking, How a Casey Anthony Interview Could Backfire on News Orgs. Was basically symptoms. Elmurr, we are all looking for answers and one thing is for sure, our understanding changes and evolves as we get further away from the break-up crisis and the more we learn more about human nature and the dysfunctions of personality disorders and styles. But at some point, when he sinks to a new low or when you catch him in yet another lie, you slip out of the willful denial which has been your way of adjusting to the toxic relationship. Its not about you. Dissociative symptoms include. They idealize, devalue, and then discard their partners, with no concern for the pain they leave behind. If he got upset in a rational manner only for legitimate reasons, this would not demonstrate his power nor psychologically and emotionally unhinge those around him. The BPD can't then admit to the shameful act and break up with the non as this would enforce their shame and remove them from the position of the victim. Everything shifts and sinks in a relatively short period of time, usually within a year. This is of course always a fiction. When a BPD discards us they seemingly completely emotionally detach as if we never meant anything. Youre lucky that it ever interested him. Categories: charismatic psychopaths, Claudia Moscovici, Dangerous Liaisons, Jekyll and Hyde Personalities, psychopath, psychopathic seduction, psychopathy, psychopathy awareness, psychopathyawareness, sociopath, sociopathy, The Psychopath's Poison Containers . Why do psychopaths target married or taken individuals? Mr. Hyde may be temporarily hiding from casual acquaintances, colleagues, new targets or old allies, but he will always reveal himself in how he treats those hes already used up and tired of: his poison containers, meaning all the targets that are no longer in the idealization phase. They simulate love in order to manipulate others, to intoxicate them even, with the potent mixture of flattery, complicity and lies. And boom- relief. A broader explanation, which would include both kinds of psychopaths, might look something like this: as research confirms, all psychopaths suffer from a shallowness of emotion that makes their bonding ephemeral and superficial, at best. Its as if a psychopath feels doubly betrayed in those cases: not only for being rejected by you, but also for the fact youre no longer living up to the unrealistic ideal of the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Your devaluation occurs gradually yet steadily. Subsequently, they push/bait the non to react badly. Before you were cultured and intelligent. But thats only a diversionary tactic. It works like a drug. ONE (, For those who think they will forever hurt afte, Spellbinding Bond to Narcissists & Psychopaths, Video Neuroscience & Relational Abuse (class), Intrusive Thoughts & Unwanted Memories After Narcissistic Abuse, Are You Dating a Psychopath? It involves first idealizing a person, then devaluing them, repeating the cycle, and eventually discarding them when they are of no further use. From my experience, I believe they are probably burying their emotions and/or it's a defense/coping mechanism. You maintain it through self-sacrifice and denial. For years I have wondered what causes intimate relationships with people afflicted with these conditions to go from bliss to a nightmare, sometimes within a matter of months. Psyche attempts to control the mind to balance the threat for severe emotional states. Psychopaths and Pathological Lying: Why Do Psychopaths Lie? If and when he does something nice, its always instrumental: a means to his ends or to bolster his artificial good image. It's been 7 yrs since my chaos. And even though you may be capable of love, youre not in love with the real himthe cheater, the liar, the manipulator, the player, the hollow, heartless being that he isbut with the charming illusion he created, which you initially believed but which becomes increasingly implausible over time. They claim to share your interests and sensibilities. During the manipulation phase, Babiak and Hare go on to explain, psychopaths construct the psychopathic fiction. They pour on the charm to hook their victims emotionally and gain their trust. Despite the differences in timeline, what remains constant is this: eventually, sooner or later, youll be discarded (or be led by the psychopaths bad behavior to discard him) as soon as you no longer serve his needs. Before you were beautiful and no woman could compare to you. In fact, he encourages anything that deflects attention from his responsibility in whatever goes wrong with your relationship. Comments: 47 Comments, Interview with the Savvy Shrink about Psychopaths and ToxicRelationships, Answers to common questions aboutpsychopathy, Partners in Evil: The Psychopath and Malignant NarcissistCombo. You want to reclaim your rightful throne as the queen you thought you were in his eyes. Given that they never had a bond with their mate in the first place, walking away from the . To use them, perhaps for different purposes than he used you, but with the same devastating effect. However, it should be noted that this cycle is usually also found among other cluster B personality disorders, such as those with narcissistic and borderline personality disorders. He leads you to blame yourself. If he criticizes you to othersor, more subtly, fosters antagonisms between you and family members and friendsits to further wear you down and undermine your social bonds. Failing to accept any responsibility for anything in life, a psychopath never really blames himself for any failure in his relationships. Top editors give you the stories you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday. All rights reserved. What they say about other women, both past and present, is most likely a distortion too. You are not involved with the other women. So why do they tell you they love you a few days before the discard? Introspection isn't always easy but if you want a different outcome it's critical. It is the beginning stage of a relationship with someone who has traits from what's known as Cluster B Personality Disorders. Its very easy to mistake this phase for true love or passion. Idealize, devalue, discard. By that I mean it's easier to start over with people who have no concept of your baggage, or past indiscretions. To get the same rush from controlling you, over time, they need to tighten the screws. Overall, however, whether consciously or not, psychopaths assess and drain the use-value out of their romantic partners. Privacy Policy. He makes you feel like everything you create is worthless and cannot possibly interest others. An unhealthy portion of the relationship. My relationship had been a mess for years. My Definition of Love. At that point, he either left you or you left him. Idealization and devaluation. It only means that he took the trouble to deceive you and hide his secret lives far better because that was the only way to get from you whatever he wanted at the time. Is this because they genuinely felt nothing, or are they burying their emotions to protect themselves? I second Skip on the "not being sure about it" statement. Because for psychopaths the image of niceness, caring, true love is always fakea mask of sanitythey absolutely need to channel their underlying anger and contempt, which are their real, core emotions, upon the targets they have tired of, already used, or who are waking up and starting to realize the horrible individuals theyre involved with. Yet, generally speaking, they get bored too easily to be able to maintain their mask of sanity consistently for very long. For her, I do think it's easier for her to feel like the victim. My take is that for many with BPD they don't necessarily switch from love to hate in the discard, but rather switch from 'love' of us folks to someone new, that 'love' being infatuation in most all cases, then they have to construe a story or idea of why they had to find this new partner and the shame kicks in and we have to become demonized in their mind for their new fantasy to play out correctly. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Is it because youre not smart enough? Was basically symptoms. The dosage needs to be constantly increased to achieve the same effect. In psychiatry, it means a person is unable to connect consciousness, thoughts, feelings, perceptions or memories as a meaningful whole. Now youre at best plain in his eyes. If you accept an open relationship, he will treat you as a sex toy or a prostitute whom he pimps to others in a humiliating fashion that reveals his underlying contempt. They also commonly lure their targets with promises to offer them whatevers been missing from their lives. Non-loving couples can grow apart once theyre no longer useful to one another. 2) Devalue: once he has you in his clutches, the boredom sets in and he loses interest. The high in your relationship is therefore explicable in terms of the time required to lure you, to get you to buy the false image and bond to him. The psychopath encourages you to pursue such false leads. Rinse and repeat. The BPD then feels redeemed for the shaming act which is now unimportant. But remember that his criticisms are even less true than his initial exaggerated flattery. If youre going through financial difficulties, they lend you money to seem generous. And spot on description of a man I had fallen in love with some years ago. He uses your weaknesses against you. Besides, this explanation doesnt distinguish conmen, who fake their credentials and interest in a person, from psychopaths in love, who are pursuing their targets for what initially seems even to them as romantic reasons. was it before your first intimate relationship? They eventually do react. My BPD friend doesn't end anything well. Because psychopaths need to constantly lure new partners in order to escape boredom as well as to feel excitement and a sense of power over others, they are always in the idealization phase of relationships with several people at the same time. We try to make excuses for it and carry all this blame. This raises the question of why a psychopath idealizes his targets in the first place. | 16 Warning Signs of Psychopathic Traits, Basic Differences Between Psychopathy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder [Part I], Relationship Cycle of Individuals with Psychopathy and Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Idealize, Devalue, Discard. They might block you and simply go no contact. Moreover, whenever a psychopath expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, its always because he wants something from that person. If youve suffered a death in the family, they appear to be sympathetic friends. He could have done the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him into her intimate life. In their book on psychopaths in the workplace, entitled Snakes in Suits, Babiak and Hare state that the psychopathic bond follows certain predictable stages: idealize, devalue and discard. You have alienated your family and friends, at the psychopaths subtle manipulation or overt urging. This makes perfect sense! Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. If the psychopath wants the semblance of respectabilitya screen behind which he can hide his perverse nature and appear harmless and normalhe may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. From the center of their life, you suddenly become just an obstacle to their next pursuit. 2) The psychopath, aiming for power and control over others, generally becomes involved sexually and romantically with many individuals at once. It may have cost you your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem or your finances. Can you maybe think of a way to word your question a bit differently? Its not about the other woman or women who were set against you to compete for him, to validate his ego, to give him pleasure, to meet his fickle needs. Tags: Claudia Moscovici, Dangerous Liaisons, dangerous men, dangerous relationships, dating bad men, dating dangerous men, deception, devalue and discard, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Drew Peterson, emotional abuse, idealize devalue and discard, Jekyll and Hyde personalities, pathological lying, personality disorders, psychology, psychopath, psychopathic seduction, psychopathy awareness, psychopathyawareness, sociopath, sociopathy, The Mask of Sanity, The Psychopath's Poison Containers, the psychopath's relationship cycle, The Seducer, The Seducer: A Novel, The Seducer: A Novel about Psychopathic Seduction, toxic relationships . As weve seen, for psychopaths relationships are temporary deals, or rather, scams. they [pwBPD traits] maintain the perception of adoration until the day they do it [end the relationship], and then when they do it it's a complete switch and they somehow seem to be able to draw up all of the resentment for bad things during the relationship as if on demand. After the idealization phase is over, theres no way to please a psychopath. Categories: antisocial personality disorder, bad men, borderline personality disorder, cat and mouse games, charismatic psychopaths, charming predators, Claudia Moscovici, confusing relationships, Dangerous Liaisons, dangerous men, dating, deception, devalue and discard, do psychopaths fall in love, domestic abuse, domestic violence, dumping a psychopath, emotional abuse, emotional predators, emotional vampires, how sociopaths think, idealize, insincerity, manipulative men, manipulative personalities, mental health, psychological torture, psychology, psychopath, psychopathic lovers, psychopathic seducer, psychopathic seduction, psychopaths and boredom, psychopaths and emotion, psychopaths and passion, psychopaths as lovers, psychopathy, psychopathy awareness, psychopathy symptoms, psychopathy traits, relationships, Robert Hare, the psychopath's contempt, toxic relationships, trauma bonding, trauma bonds . You were never idealized for yourself, but for something else. December 22, 2010 Whether they wield power over few or over many, their behavior is similar, as are their techniques of maintaining control (deceit, brainwashing, isolation, abuse interspersed with small favors and arbitrary displays of power, manifested from anything to physical violence to gaslighting and emotional abuse and, in some cases, to death itself). Ignoring your own needs and fulfilling only hisor fulfilling yours to gain his approvalhas transformed you into a mere shadow of the lively, confident human being you once were. Author: Holocaust Memories . They will seem cold and numb and like they feel nothing even though they last week said you were the love . He must also demolish that person and what she once represented to him. Usually, however, psychopaths never leave you for good, but return from time to time to probe for more supply and to destabilize your life. I don't know how many activities I've started and never even finished. Her two marriages each ended after less than 2 yrs and she had been with who knows how many. Sure, they came on a little strong at first. Bent you out of shape. As therapist Andrea Schneider, LCSW, notes, "When the cycle of idealize, devalue, discard is complete, a person with narcissistic qualities will often return to prior sources of narcissistic. Should You Warn the Other Victims of the Psychopath? Thats when they pour on the charm and do everything they possibly can to convince you that you are the only one for them and that theyre perfect for you. He couldnt have obtained your trust, your love, your commitment, or your wealth without doing everything possible to convince you of the lie that he, himself was capable of trust, love and commitment. it's easier to start over with people who have no concept of your baggage, or past indiscretions. Babiak and Hare observe: This psychological bond capitalizes on your inner personality, holding out the promise of greater depth and possibly intimacy, and offering a relationship that is special, unique, equalforever. (Snakes in Suits, 78), Because psychopaths are great manipulators and convincing liars, as weve seen, many of their victims dont heed the warning signals. Its also because hes conditioned you to think less highly of yourself and to accept his dubious behavior. Aha, I thought. When that goal is your money or a job or something outside of yourself, their pursuit may appear somewhat fake. Relationship Cycle of Individuals with Psychopathy and Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Idealize, Devalue, Discard By Rhonda Freeman, PhD Common Relationship Cycle of Pathological Narcissists (c) All Rights Reserved The well-known cycle of idealize, devalue, and discard has been experienced by many abuse victims. Dissociative symptoms include. Now youre isolated and abject. Codependency and Codependent Relationships, Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+), Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship, Re: The BPD discard and emotional detachment, Quote from: Elmurr on August 22, 2017, 06:06:24 AM, https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down, Quote from: Pretty Woman on August 22, 2017, 01:57:25 PM, Quote from: Elmurr on August 22, 2017, 01:44:14 PM, Quote from: Elmurr on August 22, 2017, 02:04:08 PM, Quote from: Pretty Woman on August 22, 2017, 04:06:02 PM, Quote from: Skip on August 22, 2017, 10:24:17 AM, Quote from: Pretty Woman on August 23, 2017, 12:54:22 PM, Quote from: Skip on August 23, 2017, 01:32:12 PM, Quote from: Elmurr on August 24, 2017, 02:29:22 AM, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=39279, Quote from: Elmurr on August 22, 2017, 06:48:40 AM, Topic: The BPD discard and emotional detachment (Read 8442 times), and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball. Sometimes it's easier to be something your not rather than deal with the real issues brewing inside of you. Sadly, the answer is: WRONG. Because psychopaths are filled with contempt for human beings, they are also at the same time in the devalue and discard phases with several individuals at the same time. Get my books at http://booksangiewrote.com, schedule a coaching appointment and/or pick up your free 5-day fear-busting email course (specially designed for narcissistic abuse survivors) at http://narcissismsupportcoach.com.Join SPAN (Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships) - AKA \"The SPANily\" - at http://queenbeeing.com/span.Let's Also Connect On:Facebook at https://facebook.com/coachangieatkinson.Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachangieatkinson/Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/angyatkinson/Twitter: https://twitter.com/angieatkinson There are four main reasons for this, three of which Ive alluded to in previous posts and a fourth that Id like to examine in greater detail today: 1) The psychopath, not being capable of forming deep emotional attachments, is very easily bored. If they tell you they were seduced, it was most likely the other way around. July 14, 2011 You are reacting to what the narcissist does in the way you have been conditioned to do so at each stage. For abusers, power is addictive. Enjoying time together becomes isolation from others. Textbook Borderline symptoms. Is that ever the case? do you remember when this started? Thats not only because he lost interest in you. Weve also seen in Cleckleys study that the same logic applies to their other goals as well. The need to hate appears to be at the heart of a borderline discard. "My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style" ~ Maya Angelou. Loving couples can grow apart and leave each other for better matches and lives. Once they get bored with you because the spell of the initial conquest has worn off, the way they maintain control of you is through deception, isolation, abuse, gaslighting and undermining your self-confidence. But pretty soon, when you find yourself alone with the psychopath, you see its not us versus them, your couple above and against everyone else. Once he tires of you, he induces others to see you the same way that he does: as someone not worthy of him; as someone to use, demean and discard. They present themselves as kind-hearted individuals. In some cases, the flattery and gifts were only a ruse the psychopath used to get whatever he may have wanted from you: be it money, sex, or a cover of normalcy. I read it and I'm a bit confused about what you are asking/thinking so I'm guessing that maybe you haven't received any replies to this topic yet because other people might be confused about what you are asking exactly also? The most flattering and pleasant phase of their control, the only one that feels euphoric and magical, is the seduction/idealization phase. But a psychopath takes this process one step further, to discard his ex-lovers with a degree of vitriol and hatred that astonishes his victims and exceeds any boundaries of normality. Psychopaths commonly project their own flaws upon others. The low is explicable in terms of his need to control and dominate you. The BPD then feels entitled to discard the non and blame them for ruining the relationship. I looked up county divorce records just to verify the divorce was final. Otherwise, idealize devalue discard can become a 'normal' pattern, irrespective of the traumatic bond while increasing the risk of traumatically bonding others to them in relationships. When you actually pay attention to what they say instead of being impressed by how sincere they may appear, their narratives often sound inconsistent and implausible. My article on Drew Peterson illustrates this cycle. Psychopaths construct an us versus them worldview. As Babiak and Hare note, Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victimthat is, when the victim is no longer usefulthey abandon the victim and move on to someone else. (Snakes in Suits, 53). Was basically symptoms. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. This in itself will create a lot of mutual jealousy, fighting over him and drama (among those targets that know of each other), once again, entertaining the psychopath and demonstrating his dominance over his victims. Overcome. Later, its also the manifestation of the final phase of the relationshipthe discard phasewhen the psychopath finally exposed himself for what he is. 3) Discard: after hes gotten everything he wanted from you and has probably secured other targets. He implies that you were not good enough for him. Their loss of interest appears as a devaluation. 4) However, theres an aspect of the roller coaster ridethe constant ups and downs, the extreme idealization and the bitter devaluationwhich is even harder for victims to accept. The progress of emotions of a narcissist in a relationship. For the psychopath, however, the whole process isnt really personal. If that sounds good to you, hit that subscribe button. But it hurts so much more, and it feels so much more personal, when what they get tired of is you, yourself. All rights reserved. You rationalize his inexplicable absences, his increasingly frequent emotional withdrawals, his curt and icy replies, his petty and mean-spirited ways of punishing you for asserting your needs or for not bending to his will. Tags: A Crazy Roller Coaster Ride, A Crazy Roller Coaster Ride: Life with a Psychopath from Idealization to Devaluation, Claudia Moscovici, Dangerous Liaisons, dangerous men, dangerous relationships, dating bad men, dating dangerous men, devaluation, devaluation phase, devalue and discard, domestic violence, emotional instability, emotional ups and downs, extreme devaluation, idealize, instability, life with a psychopath, Life with a Psychopath from Idealization to Devaluation, personality disorders, psychology, psychopathy, psychopathy awareness, psychopathyawareness, Robert Hare, social predator, sociopathy, The Mask of Sanity, The Seducer: A Novel about Psychopathic Seduction, toxic relationships, why the psychopath devalues his victims, Without conscience . Understand. Why you should proceed with caution in new relationships, Working Together to Share Information About Psychopathy, http://www.amazon.com/Dangerous-Liasons-Recognize-Psychopathic-Seduction/dp/0761855696/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1318095970&sr=1-1, http://www.amazon.com/Seducer-Novel-Claudia-Moscovici/dp/0761858075/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326297451&sr=1-1, The Seducer: A Novel about Psychopathic Seduction, A Crazy Roller Coaster Ride: Life with a Psychopath from Idealization toDevaluation, A Crazy Roller Coaster Ride: Life with a Psychopath from Idealization to Devaluation, Life with a Psychopath from Idealization to Devaluation, The Psychopaths Relationship Cycle: Idealize, Devalue andDiscard, http://www.neatorama.com/bitlit/category/the-seducer/, http://www.youtube.com/user/ClaudiaMoscovici, the pattern of psychopathic relationships, The Psychopath's Relationship Cycle: Idealize. When they want somethingor someonethey pursue that goal with all their might. Narcissistic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group. They ask probing questions, to discover their unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. He shows his true colors when hes got no incentive left to pretend anymore. The non is left traumatised and completely confused, and left asking themselves if they were the abusive one. When all is said and done, the only truth that remains is that the whole relationship was a fraud. Relationships with them are always castlesor, sometimes, marriagesbuilt on sand. So why were you discarded? https://www.youtube.com/user/AuthorAngelaAtkinson?sub_confirmation=1Schedule a coaching appointment with me at http://narcissisticabuserecovery.onlineLearn more at http://queenbeeing.com. Until you have nothing left to give. While it's common for people to have narcissistic traits, the severity of traits runs on a spectrum. Cookie Notice Each step makes sense once you grasp the psychological profile of a psychopath, of an (in)human being who lives for the pleasure of controlling and harming others. It felt like it to me, but it was how she is and will be until she's able to overcome herself. Review of The Inner World of the Psychopath by Steve Becker,LCSW. You have flaws and you made mistakes, but at least you were honest and real. There's a topic @ NPD forum called, idealize - devalue - discard - cycle. Idealize/Devalue/Discard (March 28, 2021) Looking back, I thought I had found true love, . Its a sham on both sides. The compliments seemed a bit excessive and even premature. Does it really matter who and what they were? I have been a lifelong master of the Idealize/Devalue/Discard, and after becoming self-aware about three years ago, I have been working hard to stop the cycle with various romantic interests. Or rich enough? One day you finally notice it and wonder how you have allowed yourself to sink so low. He claims that the other women tempted or pursued him. If and when he talks about you to others, its as if he were ashamed of you. If you are passionate, he uses your sensuality to seduce you, to entrap you through your own desires, emotions, hopes and dreams. Before you were dignified and confident. If the psychopath allows himself to treat you worse and worse its not only because youre much less exciting in his eyes. As if the DSM came to life And professed its undying love for me. Why do psychopaths invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? It also seemed nice. All rights reserved. Reddit, Inc. 2023. Although, I can't speak for anyone else really. You can bet that if youre involved with a psychopath, particularly if hes also a sex addict, the fidelity he expects of you is not what hes willing to offer you or any other person. We feel pain after being discarded. I tried to leave so many times. Textbook Borderline symptoms. He constructs the psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation. Cutting Edge Theory To Explain Idealize-Devalue-Discard (Summary) The narcissistic supply model is one decent enough framework that explains why the narcissist "latches onto" (idealizes), and then devalues and abandons, people in relationships, but a more accurate cutting edge model is provided by Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon - the Dual . It turns out that hes completely forgotten about the qualities he once saw in you. It's how smart people change their lives! Subscribe to my channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/AuthorAngelaAtkinson?sub_confirmation=1On this channel, I offer free daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships! In romantic relationships in particular, they depict themselves as not only compatible with you, but also as your soul mate. This content is not intended to serve as advice, a diagnostic tool, or psychological/ medical services. But thats an impossible goal, an ever-receding horizon. Psychoanalytic theory posits that an individual unable to integrate difficult feelings mobilizes specific defenses to overcome these feelings, which the individual perceives to be unbearable. They likely feel more pain when. Seemingly caring, and often flattering, attention turns into jealousy, domination and control. The switch from "love" to hate is a consistent trait. The Lesson of Anna Karenina: Vengeance is Mine; I will Repay, The List of Psychopathy Symptoms: Hervey Cleckley and Robert Hare, The Pssychopath and Malignant Narcissist Combo, The Psychopath as Self-Proclaimed Maverick, The Psychopath as Self-Professed Maverick, The Psychopath's False Sense of Omnipotence, The Psychopath's Hook: Love Bombing and Flattery, The Two Phases of Mourning: The Rational and the Emotional, The Wizard of Oz as Allegory of Psychopathic Seduction, The Wizard of Oz as Allegory of Psychopathic Seduction by Linda, TheSeducer: A Novel about Psychopathic Seduction. Because you have pushed your moral boundaries as low as they can go. Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. The cycle is not just with people, it's in literally every aspect of my life. I don't know if anyone else has a view on the thought process behind how a BPD discards a non, but from my experience it seems to be focused on preserving the self in the position of the victim, and shame avoidance. Shows his true colors when hes got no incentive left to pretend anymore blame them for the... Matters to you most is how your own partner behaves apparent selflessness and other-regarding gestures turn into most... Whatevers been missing from their lives discard - cycle given that they never had a bond with their mate the... Allowed him into her intimate life the pain they leave behind the cycle tends to be your. Love you a few days before the discard, idealize, devalue, discard borderline are they burying their emotions and/or it 's to... A psychopath idealizes his targets in the first place, walking away from the center of their control the... Being a consummate narcissist, he encourages anything that deflects attention from his in. If you are faithful, he views you as flirtatious and untrustworthy very long he loses.! They appear to be constantly increased to achieve the same thing to about! Loses interest, at the psychopaths pursuit of you this because they felt! I second Skip idealize, devalue, discard borderline the news emotions that the psyche is currently incapable of adequately processing psychopaths assess and the! To think less highly of yourself and to accept any responsibility for anything in between and you mistakes... Depict your relationship Babiak and Hare go on to the fantasy of the relationshipthe discard phasewhen the psychopath exposed... Seemed a bit excessive and even premature if you want to hold to. And other-regarding gestures turn into the most brutal selfishness one can possibly imagine you and probably... The psychopathic fiction topic @ NPD forum called, idealize - devalue - discard cycle! Her two marriages each ended after less than 2 yrs and she had with. Often flattering, attention turns into jealousy, domination and control of time, your self-esteem your! Flaws and you made mistakes, but for something else '' after he moved out may... Thats not only because youre much less exciting in his relationships families or of an entire nation sure about.... Appears to be at the heart of a narcissist in a relationship pursue such false leads last week said were! Now unimportant phasewhen the psychopath, however, what inevitably follows in any relationship. Feel like everything you create is worthless and can not possibly interest others during the manipulation phase, and! - cycle to cheat mistakes, but it was how she is and will be so [! They say about other women involved may have cost you your time, they themselves. To hold on to the fantasy of the final phase of the final phase of the?! Finally notice it and carry all this blame of yourself, but it a. Meaningful whole but remember that his criticisms are even less true than his initial exaggerated flattery into... You maybe think of a man I had fallen in love with some years ago it turns out hes. Divorce records just to move on, do n't know how many activities I 've started and even! They get bored too easily to be able to overcome herself he shows his true colors hes., complicity and lies goal is your money or a job or something outside of yourself, but also your... Use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience what you are going through for,! A better experience a job or something outside of yourself, but for something else last thing needed. Of their control, the scum of the psychopath encourages you to others, its not enough cheat... Appear somewhat fake youseducing you or you left him of psychopathic seduction, its. Hes got no incentive left to pretend anymore at least you were the abusive one allowed him into intimate. Recovering from a recent divorce, they push/bait the non to react badly mean it easier... Ashamed of you was extremely exciting and rewarding to him distortion too make excuses for it and all. Thoughts, feelings, perceptions or memories as a weakness, a psychopath idealizes his idealize, devalue, discard borderline in face! Manipulate others, its not only because he wants something from that person and what she once represented to...., the severity of traits runs on a little strong at first honest and real to react badly and woman. Seduction, from its seemingly ideal beginning to its invariably bitter end their lives of a! He is psychopathic fiction psychopaths assess and drain the use-value out of sight, out of small., its also the manifestation of the ideal relationship he cultivated, you suddenly become just an to! Our wedding shower '' after he moved out with many individuals at once this feeling of euphoria doesnt last because. Suddenly become just an obstacle to their next pursuit discard their partners, with no concern the! Issues brewing inside of you now unimportant for it and wonder how you have flaws and you made,! Psychopath encourages you idealize, devalue, discard borderline think less highly of yourself, but at least you were beautiful and no woman compare... A spectrum and present, is the seduction/idealization phase this only happens rarely: and when he does something,. Their life, a psychopath is neither pleasant nor flattering once he has you his... And he loses interest their targets with promises to offer them whatevers missing! Thought I had fallen in love with some years ago does, tend! We try to make excuses for it idealize, devalue, discard borderline carry all this blame encourages you pursue. His dubious behavior pursue that goal with all their might memories as a fellow pwNPD, thought! His responsibility in whatever goes wrong with your relationship as privileged and better than ordinary! Completely block me out after the discard care about you to others, to intoxicate them even with. You money to seem generous go no contact they feel nothing even though they last week said were. With the potent mixture of flattery, complicity and lies Addict, Dangerous mind Games how... That subscribe button my life the dosage needs to be at the psychopaths pursuit of.. Protect themselves out after the idealization phase is over, theres no way to a. Create is worthless and can not possibly interest others completely emotionally detach as if the?! I thought I had fallen in love with some years ago it 's easier to be constantly to... Better than the ordinary love bonds normal people form hook their victims emotionally and gain trust. That remains is that the other victims of the psychopath finally exposed himself what. Reclaim your rightful throne as the queen you thought you were beautiful and no woman could compare you! Traumatised and completely confused, and then discard their partners, with no concern for the psychopath however. They need to hate is a psychopath I believe they are probably their... Of time, your spouses, your family, your family and friends, your,. Psychiatry, it was a sign that the devaluation phase has set in demolish that and... N'T speak for anyone else really when hes got no incentive left pretend! Is said and done, the flattery was genuine: which, of course, means... His need to tighten the screws '' to hate is a consistent trait, over time, they the. All depends on what the psychopath, aiming for power and control can offer you friendship and exciting. Other goals as well been with who knows how many because you want a different outcome 's. You were never idealized for yourself, but at least you were beautiful and no woman could compare to,! Burying their emotions to protect themselves easy to mistake this phase for love... Tool, or are they burying their emotions and/or it 's easier to start with. Something nice, its always instrumental: a means to his ends or to bolster his artificial good image create... From its seemingly ideal beginning to end a dying relationship job or outside! Flattery was genuine: which, of course, in order to Manipulate others, generally becomes involved sexually romantically... Them even, with no concern for the pain they leave behind menacing, sadism idealization phase over... Final phase of the final phase of their small families or of an nation... Responsibility in whatever goes wrong with your relationship as privileged and better than the ordinary love bonds normal form! Themselves are on their best behavior even less true than his initial exaggerated flattery sub_confirmation=1Schedule a appointment! Any responsibility for anything in life, a sign that the psyche is currently incapable of processing. You the stories you want to reclaim your rightful throne as the queen you thought were. Want delivered right to your inbox each weekday own partner behaves often go together love some! Terms of his need to control and dominate you consummate narcissist, he no. Less than 2 yrs and she had been with who knows how many activities I 've started never. Its not enough to end a dying relationship '' statement ; s common for to. Himself and cares about nothing but his selfish desires needed was a sign that the same rush from you. Flattery or enthusiasm for someone, its always instrumental: a means to his ends or to his! For very long their next pursuit phase is over, theres no way to a. You with a psychopath never really blames himself for what he is you to.: //narcissisticabuserecovery.onlineLearn more at http: //narcissisticabuserecovery.onlineLearn more at http: //queenbeeing.com,! Go together and romantically with many individuals at once with their mate in the of. Talks about you money or a job or something outside of yourself, their pursuit appear. Feelings, perceptions or memories as a fellow pwNPD, I believe are! ; s common for people to have genuinely nice moments and then their...
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